Dear Guy in my Office from UK,
I realize that in these hard times, when surrounded by Irish people, it may be necessary for us immigrants to stick together. Seeing as our manager from Aberdeen is in Manchester this week, I can understand why you would come to me for
EVERY FUCKING MENIAL THING. However, occaisionally I am working on something for the
other three people in this office, who surprisingly have very simlar needs to yours except their needs are, you know, within reason.
To begin: YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.
I cannot call the courier company every hour on the hour to find out where your delivery is. If you would like something delivered today, may I suggest ordering a courier sometime
before today. Just a thought. This suggestion of foresight also applies to your sales planners. It might be considerate if you ask me to make one up,
more than twenty minutes before your meeting with the account. When I am assembling your sales planners (which, as a temp, I was expressly told not to do, lest we forget) if I am putting them in order please do not ask me, "What have you done with this?!" with consternation. It will get bound, your account will see it. Please just calm the fuck down.
Listening to my phone conversations, while staring at me, lifting your head progressivley higher and higher to get my attention, or simply talking to me while I am on the phone, is an annoyance that no human being, even a secretary should be subjected to. You are not endearing yourself to me by doing this.
Also, when requesting an outgoing courier, it is customary to give an
address. I'm sorry, but even with the name of the company I cannot divine where it is going by sheer mental force. If you yourself do not know the addresses of your accounts, I suggest you make some phone calls, firstly to your boss, to make him aware of this problem.
The apex of my frustration with yourself occured on the morning of June 11, 2007. I was attending to one of my secretarial duties, in this case, emptying the dishwasher in the kitchen, while you were attending to your salesperson duties, eating a large messy bowl of Alpen. I noticed that you were using some dishes in your activity, namely a bowl and a spoon. I left the dishwasher door open after I was finished emptying it, hoping you would make the connection between your dirty dish and the recently emptied dishwasher. For reasons beyond my ken, when I went back into the kitchen after you had gone to your office, your Alpen bowl was sitting in the sink still dirty, the dishwasher remained open. I lost a few minutes of my day standing there, aghast at this. I place those lost minutes squarley on your head.
Also, the laminating machine is broken. No, I do not know when it will be fixed. Do you really need
EVERYTHING laminated? I suggest you look inside yourself before making your next plastic-covering-related request. You may have laminating issues which are beyond my reach; that indeed have little to do with laminating at all.
Finally, I am not the following things:
Your personal Admin Assistant.
Waitress.
Some sort of superawesome tea dispensing machine that can make instantaneous hot tea flow from the tips of my fingers.
Call forwarding service.
Concierge.
Index finger of your right hand, used for dialing phones.
Just please, please, please check your annoying habits. Most people have them but keep them in check during their working day. If I wanted someone annoying and awkward around me all day, I would ask my roommates to come to work with me.
Yours in Christ,
Kait MacMurray
P.S. to my roommates, you are also very annoying, but in your own, special snowflake ways. Please stop yelling at the rugby match on television.
Please stop yelling at the hurling match on television.
Please stop yelling at the football match on television.
